perpetual inebriation.

Not sure what I came here for. I just sorta pulled this up and figured I'd type out some words.

Now I can't even keep my attention to this page.

Drinking at 11am. Not sure I've ever done this, but I'm just sitting around drinking. I don't really care anymore... It's all shit anyway. All of this is shit. All of school, all of money, all of driving, all of life. All those pictures I take. All these words I write. What's it matter? Everything is subjective. I don't have to care about any of it but yet I'm forced to. I'd be content if I could just go to my home, pick up my old hourly job and get a position at Mountain Xpress. That's all I want to do. I don't want this structured school bullshit, this stupid rent and bills idiocy. I want me, my car, a companion to love, and a dog. It's amazing we can't do that. Drink up, Marisa.

I've been listening to music recently. Some really good music. Muse, Cage the Elephant .. just discovered this one called Sleep Party People. Just the one song "I'm not even human" or something.... "I'm not human at all." There it is.

Is it weird that I don't want to do this? No one gives a shit about blogs. Blogs are for people who don't have anything better to do with their time and think people care about their latest baking excursion. Fuck off.

Things are irritating. Very irritating. I keep hating things more and more as each day progresses. It doesn't cease. I've found nothing I like to do anymore. School takes away my News Record life, work takes away my school life.. My social life consists of my roommate and quickly fading relationship with a guy 350 miles away. (I'm sure members of my family will be happy to hear that.)

But who gives a shit about anyone's personal life? Who gives a shit at all? Apparently you're as good as forgotten after a month's absence. You don't matter when you're not there. Although you try your hardest to get back as often as the job permits, it doesn't matter in a month. The only thing that matters is if you're spending your dad's money because you're too big of a shit-for-brains to do anything for yourself.

The leash gets tighter and my throat closes more every day. I'm just trying to shove past it, but it's like one of those dreams where your eyes keep closing as you're trying to figure out your surroundings. You can't keep your eyes open for more than 5 seconds before they begin to shut again. It's like a start and stop REM cycle that wants to dream but doesn't have the fuel to keep going. You want it so bad, but can't have any of it. You see glimpses of it on occasion, but as for actually keeping the scenery around long enough to figure things out is fleeting. Occasionally you'll fall into a very decent REM cycle and it feels so great, but eventually you have to wake up and realize your in the poop and rain state holding an aluminum bottle filled with rum in public. You start to awaken to how much you really just don't give a shit.

Is it too much to ask to be set loose? I know what I want. I know where it is, how to deal with it, how to embrace every fiber of it, but, please, keep me behind the border's bars. I love staring out into a world right within my grasp and not being able to experience it. I love the clench of finances. The grip of a palm around my throat, setting me down, and telling me to "stay."



Expectation leads to disappointment. I wonder why I haven't learned that yet..

Not sure how much longer I want to continue with this existence. Signed a lease on a house today... pathetic.

Might as well experience life at the same level it's already making me feel. It's only fair.